Memoirs of the Stolen Fayth
by crazygunbladergirl
Summary: Yojimbo the Great Fiend-Slayer rants about his life, afterlife, and eternal rest. If you had been a Stolen Fayth who was later outsmarted by Yuna, you would have plenty to rant about, too. Rated for language.


_A/N: This was inspired by how I outsmarted Yojimbo. Everyone's like, "Oh, the more you pay him, the better his attack will be!" Lies. I always pay him one gil because I'm cheap, and his attack choice is completely random. I haven't gotten him to use Zanmato yet, but you can pay him one gil and there's a chance he'll still use Kozuka or Wakizashi instead of Daigoro._

_Anyways, he may be somewhat OOC, but I always pictured him as being a little different from the other aeons. I should also mention that Belgemine is actually one of my favorite characters; her voice just creeps me out. Auron is also a favorite of mine._

_Oh yeah, beware of spoilers if you haven't finished the game yet._

* * *

**Memoirs of the Stolen Fayth**

_-- written by the all-powerful Yojimbo, Great Fiend-Slayer of Spira --_

Ah, yes, I remember so faintly the days before I died. I was a great fiend-slayer with my loyal dog by my side. Rival warriors cowered in fear of my name. No one _dared_ to mess with me, because they knew I could easily defeat them in the most humiliating way possible.

It was even better when they started paying me. I collected so much money from fighting off fiends that I would pay the best blacksmiths in Spira to beef up my sword, and then I would pay for the best dog groomers to clean and bathe Daigoro. He was always the happiest dog in Spira.

Yes, things were so pleasant back then. Hunt down the strongest fiends, collect my reward, and relax in the sauna while my dog was pampered.

So when I was at death's front door while fighting off a particularly nasty fiend in Zanarkand, I remebered how I had heard about how much fame comes with becoming a fayth. I immediately jumped at the chance. I'd be dead, yet still alive enough to earn money. It seemed like such a great way to spend eternity! Much better than sitting in the Farplane and talking with old dead guys. Daigoro also seemed to like that plan.

When the first summoner obtained me -- I don't remember his name, nor do I care -- I learned just how much more intelligent the immortal are than the mortal. I was able to convince him that I would only use my more powerful moves if he paid me more. Oh, I earned _so_ much gil from that one idiot summoner! It was the same way with the next summoner, and the next... all of them foolishly shelling out 10,000 gil for each of my attacks, hoping I would deem it worthy enough to use Zanmato instead of sending Daigoro to attack for me.

Little did they know that my move choice is completely random.

The best way always when they would pay me every ounce of gil from their pockets; one time I was paid 999,999 gil for one attack! I looked at the money for a second and then tossed it aside, as though it meant little to me. Then I grinned and ordered Daigoro to fight. The summoner was completely devastated after that. It's a wonder she kept calling on me... I suppose that she thought Daigoro was cute. Yes, you are cute, Dai-Dai! Good dog!

Ah, anyway, that went on for about 200 years until one day some obnoxious little thieves stole my statue away from my grand temple and shoved me in some stinking cave! The horror! No way to fight or earn money! And poor Daigoro got so dirty from the cave dust...

Well, finally, after about six hundred years of this boredom, a lady summoner was killed in my cave, and her unsent spirit wandered over to my statue. At first I was delighted to have some company, but eight hundred years of faythdom made me forget about how the unsent act. You see, there are two kinds of unsent: the Maniacs and the Drones. Maniacs usually use their state of death to fight the living for fun, as though to laugh at their mortality. They stop thinking logically at all and have a tendency to laugh in a crazy way. Exhibit A would be Seymour... ugh, such a crazy bastard, that one... Where the hell does he get all those machina from, anyway?

But at least the Maniacs are interesting to talk with. This particular lady unsent was, unfortunately, a Drone. Oh, the Drones... These unsent lose any kind of emotion or reasoning whatsoever and only focus on one thing. She was focused on killing people, and not in the fun way. All she ever said was, "Kill." I tried to start conversations with her to cure my boredom:

"Hey, how about you go back to your living friends and ask them to come here and get me out of this cave?"

"Kill."

"No, you don't have to kill them. Just get someone to come set me free! I'm so bored down here!"

"Kill."

"I've run out of any possible way to kill time! It's been almost six hundred damn years! Daigoro's starting to get fat!"

"Kill."

And so on. Not very exciting at all.

Finally, a few years later, the stupid unsent decided to use me in a battle. Damn it, woman, you couldn't have done that earlier?!

We fought against a living summoner and her multiple guardians. We lost horribly because my summoner's supporting power was crap. No wonder she died in the first place.

After sending the dead summoner, the lovely Yuna asked for my aid in battle. I was so mad that it had taken six hundred friggin' years for this to happen that I charged her extra: 300,000 gil. And she paid it! I knew this one was rich! Oh, Yuna and I were going to have a grand old time, indeed!

She called for me in battle right away to fight off a giant Black Flan. I told her that she had to pay me in order for me to attack the fiend.

She smiled innocently and replied, "One gil."

_Great_, I'm thinking, _she's a tightwad_.

I sent out Daigoro to show her my policy. Then the next attack came.

"One gil."

Horrified, I found myself using Kozuka. It was the same for every attack until we defeated the fiend. I only earned six gil in that fight! That damn tightwad had figured me out! Every battle, for every single attack:

"Here's one gil. You can do it, Yojimbo!"

It became incredibly irritating. Even having the chance to fight Sin wasn't that exciting because I knew that not only would I run out of power before Sin was defeated, but I would also only make about ten gil from the whole battle. Ten gil is not nearly enough to pay for an exquisite doggie bath for Daigoro in the Spirit World.

At least when Belgemine summoned me that one time to test Yuna's strength, she paid me quite a lovely sum of 20,000 gil for each attack. Then again, she was also unsent, so she could afford to spend as much gil as she wanted. I'm pretty sure that Belgemine would fall in the Maniac category since she always would appear out of friggin' nowhere at the worst possible times to test Yuna's strength, and she had that creepy voice that sounded somewhat slutty... I could never figure that one out. Same with Auron; I mean, seriously, how the hell did the rest of Yuna's guardians not figure out that he was an unsent? He is also a Maniac because half of what he says makes no sense whatsoever. But, as I said before, they are at least very interesting to talk to. Maester Mika on the other hand... Drone. Definite Drone.

Anyway, Daigoro was heavily pampered that night, much to my dog's delight.

I suppose, though, I should give Yuna credit for one thing: she actually took the time to power up my Attributes. Not that I necessarily needed to become more powerful; after all, I am Yojimbo, the Great Fiend-Slayer! But the power boost did somewhat make up for her cheapness.

Somewhat.

However, Yuna also contributed to my final state of boredom. She not only defeated Sin, but she also completely nullified the need for aeons at all! All of the other aeons, of course, were glad to finally have eternal rest, but _they_ didn't have to deal with six hundred years of being trapped in a dull, stinking cave! Just when I finally got freed to slay so fiends, I had to go back to sleep!

Well, I suppose part of me is glad that Sin is gone forever, but seriously... What the hell am I supposed to do in eternal rest?

Which is why I decided to write this little memoir in the first place. I have nothing else to do. These days Daigoro only sleeps. He rarely ever wants to play fetch with the pyreflies anymore.

I guess now I'll do the same; go back to sleep and dream about the glory days of Yojimbo, the Great Fiend-Slayer.


End file.
